On the run from her vampire ex-boyfriend and his business associates, Ollie must turn into the one creature even vampires fear- a werewolf! (1st attempt)
Ollie discovers that her vampire lover has been selling the blood she's been stealing from the job she just got fired from, and now she has just 7 days to get the blood he owes or supply it with every last drop in her body. On the run from her ex and his "business associates", Ollie must turn into the one creature even vampires fear- a werewolf! (2nd attempt)
Fired from her job for stealing blood to feed her vampire boyfriend, Ollie is shocked to discover that her beloved Conner's been selling the blood to other vampires, and they're expecting their next shipment on schedule even if it means taking every last drop of blood from Ollie's body. Now on the run from Conner and his "business associates", Ollie must turn to the only allies she has left- werwolves! (3rd attempt)
Not sure I'm completely happy with it, but it sums up the story in one sentence.
Any of you NaNoWriMo-er's want to share your loglines?
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Great one liner! For the blogest, you can use two sentences if that helps! Thanks for joining!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice! I think I need two sentences... back to the drawing board!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment on my interview today. I think NaNoWriMo is a great tool. There are many best sellers that started there - Water for Elephants was one.
ReplyDeleteAnn
Good attempts! More! More! :D
ReplyDeleteUnbeknown to Ollie, her vampire lover is selling her stolen blood from her recently fired job, and now she has seven days to get the blood he owes or supply it with every drop in her body. On the run from her ex and his "business associates", Ollie must turn into the one creature even vampires fear- a werewolf!
ReplyDeleteMy attempt at tightening it. Good luck!
Sounds interesting. I like Nicole's suggestions :) Best of luck with it.
ReplyDeleteRach
Actually, I was just thinking about this while I looked at a couple of other blogfest entrants, and I had an idea! (woot!) What about "When Ollie steals blood from her [xyz] job, she has no idea that her vampire lover will sell it out from under her--now she has just 7 days to get the blood..." Just a thought, hope it helps :)
ReplyDeleteRach
Ooh, I like what Rachael came up with. Great story!
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the suggestions! I'm going to a write-in for NaNoWriMo in a little while and I'll get to work on fixing. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat Rachael came up with sounds a lot cleaner, I think. I was going to comment on how her being fired/her job thing was kind of confusing. Also, how does she plan on turning herself into a werewolf? A detail or two?
ReplyDeleteI do think it could be a bit clearer with a more direct approach. I also wasn't sure why she'd have to use her own blood to pay back the blood she stole from her job. Who did she work for?
ReplyDeleteI like Rachael's idea to tighten it up. Good hook, though. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat hook..and sounds like an excellent story. For a log line I'd like something a little longer than the one liner and a little shorter than your third attempt...
ReplyDeleteNice one-liner. Version #3 is more intriguing, but could benefit from a little tightening.
ReplyDeleteThe premise is cool - I'd read the book!